brian,
you are to be admired for your attitude.
only by throwing yourself into the cauldron will you end up a) learning anything and b) with the temper that only a cauldron can administer.
it also gives you realistic expectations, so you don't go to pieces when all is not well.
the other thing you are doing is being honest not just with all of us, but more importantly with yourself. this is what great shooters are made of.
bruce.